Mung'ala Mbuvi

“Human beings are habitual and predictable” – Chinese proverb

Nairobi has a diverse set of men who can all be categorized and distinguished based on their habits. Today we will explore the different types of men in Nairobi and demystify them. Which Nairobi man are you?

  1. The conman/scammer. You are the guy who is seen at a club on Monday from 7PM. Campus girls are always seen around you. Nobody really knows what you do. In fact, the story you usually tell is “I have several businesses and properties that have great returns”. You always have expensive designer clothing and sometimes dress like a teenager. Not to mention that you are highly paranoid and insecure. “You are stepping on me? Don’t you know who I am? I have a gun”. We have to thank you for buying our girlfriends Hennesy when they break up with us and are looking for a way to get over the relationship. Thanks for your service to society and making club owners much wealthier!
  2. The rich broke guy. This guy is just a dresser. If you meet him for the first time, you will swear that he is an Instagram model. His looks are above average and he talks about sophisti-ratchet stuff like wines, watches, books and has a slight breeish (British) accent. No matter how good he looks, don’t let the appearance fool you. Dude is broke!
  3. The petrol head/cheers baba guy. “You guy is how? Last week at Nanyuki was maaaaad”. Cheers baba guys are fun. Random road trips, a lot of alcohol… fun fun fun! The only downside is that you will end up having 3 hour conversations about their car and all the times they got high. “You guy, last week we lewad maaad. Mikey came with two Jameys, Me I had a jack which had bakid in the moti. We sipped that shit bila chaser and got maaad juiced. It was liiiit! Then Brayo came with some talez which we sipped mdogoz mpaka the coqz. You guuuuy, I’ve never been that high in my life”
  4. The techie. This guy swears that he will be the next Steve Jobs walahi. He probably went to alliance, wears spectacles and attended Strathmore Uni. His conversations will always include words like ‘Startup’, ‘Disruption’ and ‘Bitcoin’. Yes, this Nairobi man has big dreams!
  5. The guy with a rich dad. Generational wealth is good. Why? This guy almost always volunteers to pay the bill at the bar. “Issokay, I’ll pay”. Everybody loves the guy with the rich dad… except for girls. As a result, he will surround himself with other not so rich kids who have the skills to get girls.
  6. The photographer. Years ago, the photographer used to be a poet or a guitar player. The photographer has a great Instagram account. He also has as many girlfriends as he has photos. This guy is the real smooth talker who has to reset his body count every month for obvious reasons.
  7. The creative. What is a dress code? You can spot a creative with his beard, skinny jeans, fitted shirt and Converse all stars. A creative is so much fun to hang out with because you will go to endless cocktail parties. The creative works with an agency and has great ideas that could intrigue you. He’s a cool Nairobi man.
  8. The Corporate guy. “Why so serious?” The corporate guy has developed a permanent stone face from kissing his bosses ass. This guy drives a German machine and has a suit for every occasion. Work suit, meeting suit, cocktail suit, weekend suit, pyjama suit. Corporate guys are fierce competitors mainly because of the nature of their jobs. They can be easily fired at any time. They feel the need to keep up with an image and will send you a text message that looks like an official letter. “Dear sir, RE: Turn up Kindly let me know where you guys are turning up tonight. Regards, Moses.
  9. The tender-preneur. This guy has money but still shops at River Road and Moi Avenue for clothing not to mention the shades he buys from Uhuru Highway Optics. This is the fastest growing breed of Nairobi man.
  10. The promoter. If there was a word that’s synonymous for womanizer, it’s club promoters. These guys are the same world over. Night animals with a taste for fine young women who are impressed with borrols. Promoters are great friends with scammers and conmen for some weird reason. Also,its advisable to become friends with a club promoter because you will never pay for another drink in your life!