Women protest along city streets over the stripping of a woman by conductors for alleged indecent dressing in November last year. PHOTO/The Star Kenya
Women protest along city streets over the stripping of a woman by conductors for alleged indecent dressing in November last year. PHOTO/The Star Kenya

Ladies, we’ve all had an encounter with an interesting guy and yes, this is very rare. It would not be a surprise that you still haven’t met an interesting guy who will make you laugh, charm you, take you to an inexpensive nyama choma joint and make you want to go for a second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth date just to taste the kachumbari-avocado there (mind you, second base already happened on date one …just because he is an interesting guy).

Gentlemen, if you’re reading this, jitambue. Only about 4.5% of Kenyan men (in Nairobi, it’s only 1.32%) are interesting guys. Here are some tips to remain the boring guy that you are in Nairobi.

1. Have no goals.

All interestng men have goals. They are driven by a purpose. The rest are on auto-pilot and just drifting away like black smoke from an old Rongai matatu. In order to remain boring, please, be like that smoke. Have no goals.

2. Insist on having Tequila shots with the boys.

What this means is that the boring guy always wants to have shots. Probably a fourth generation drink or if he’s really spending a lot of money (like 100 bob), he will get Tequila shots. You can spot these boring guys in Westlands, Nairobi West, 1824, Uthiru, Kinoo, Embakasi, Rongai (outskirts) just to name a few. For your information, this is their idea of a date. The night is all planned out; Invite her to have shots with the boys, get her drunk, try to get to all bases in one night.

3. Take gym selfies

The gym is traditionally where you go to work out and stay fit. Perhaps because you are into sports, or just want to keep fit and stay healthy. The typical Mr. Boring Nairobi man will get into the gym at 6.15pm and in front of the mirror with 15kg barbells, work out some sweat, and take a selfie at 6.22. And the caption will certainly be #grindhard or #nopainnogain. And  finally, sit back and monitor how many likes they get, and specifically, from how many girls.

4. Put on under-amours as t-shirts

Men, under-amours are just that, amours that one puts on the inside; Under. They are supposed to go under something. Having an under-amour only and walking around is like pulling a supermran; having you briefs over your trousers.

5. Enjoy unromantic crunk/trap music.

As aforementioned, boring guys are boring. Even in the woodwork workshop, they are just boring. Boring all day. It follows with the kind of music they enjoy. Boring music with people who haven’t combed their hair or wear customised blings that shine only in the video shoot. Here’s a good example…

Instead, a boring guy can decide to spice up his life and make things a little bit more creative. Like this Kenyan who decided enough is enough and did a remix and refix of this song. He has ladies chasing him all over Buru Buru and Runda.

This is real romance because it will make a woman laugh and admire his exemplary courage. Unfortunately, most boring men will never figure this out.

6. Don’t pray.

Boring men don’t respect the value of prayer. Now, this isn’t a religious take – no. And I’m not saying that all boring men are Atheists. That’s a story for another day. Whether Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, Legio Maria, Akorino, Dini Ya Msambwa (sp), Protestant, Catholic etc these boring men subscribe to these beliefs but they don’t pray. How do you expect to be interesting yet you’ve not asked the Almighty for character and charisma?

7. Anything else you can put on this list.

If you’ve read this far, you’re probably not as boring as you think. In fact, you’re not likely to be boring. Why? Because boring men don’t read. Yes, they don’t. They don’t even read road signs. The only thing they are likely to read are the blue ticks they keep getting on WhatsApp.

Please, don’t be boring.