Patrons with shisha at Flamingo hotel Mombasa.Photo Elkana Jacob
Patrons with shisha at Flamingo hotel Mombasa.Photo Elkana Jacob

I have a theory: every time there is some problem we face as a nation, something gets banned. Hopefully next time they will ban farting at clubs. (Have you smelt how terrible those things are? It’s like people at the club hold secret fart contests. Anyway, I digress…)

Since Sheesha was banned, here are some alternatives for people who loved smoking the pipe at the club

  1. E-cigarettes. (…and by the way, cigarettes are harmful to your health) Now, imagine this; a cigarette that kills and finishes units. I have so many questions about e-cigs. Do you charge it like your phone? “Maza haka kasigara kangu kamekufa… nani hapa ako na powerbank?”
  2. Buy a smoking pipe.
    Remember the pipe that your grandpa used to smoke from? The one where he put in tobacco? That one is still legal. If the cops come, you can always say “Hii si sheesha, afande”. Lets make these smoking pipes come back in style.
  3. Leave the country and smoke sheesha so that you show us how much of a badass you are. Remember how after the plastic bag ban, paperbags became something to brag about. My favorite socialite went to Nigeria just to take photos with paperbags just to flaunt for us peasants back home. Do the same with sheesha …anything to look cool.
  4. Washa jiko.
    Yes, sheesha was banned but you can still get some smoke from you jiko. (Disclaimer: carbon monoxide is poisonous. Don’t leave the jiko indoors!) The cool thing about a jiko is that it also has smoke and it keeps you warm. Be sure to use the caption “It’s lit”
  5. Upload your old sheesha videos.
    Okay, this comes with significant risk. Your local police may be tipped off by your enemies and you will be crying “Afande hii video nilichukua last year July… ata sikuvuta sana”
  6. Commit the ultimate offence by carrying sheesha in a plastic paperbag.
    You know what? Stop giving a damn about life and take a bold step. The positive side is that jail means free housing. You will make it to TV and become famous. In fact, there is a chance that you will get a superstar lawyer on your case.
  7. Now you just have to stop being an idler at the club.
    Sheesha was a perfect way to pass time at the club and socialize. In fact “Utavuta?” was the perfect pick up line. You could also flex your authority muscles by saying “Waiter… leta makaa ingine haraka”. I feel sory for all the sheesha smokers who used it to pass time.
  8. If you really just miss being surrounded by unclear air, become a firefighter
  9. Take a ngummo matatu every weekend.
    Everybody knows that Ngummo has the oldest maatus in Kenya and that those things smoke like hell. Good news sheesha lovers, you can still have a smoke experience by hiring out a Ngummo matatu today