Hello, men, what type of women do you like? The rowdy and wild or the calm and collected ones? When you ask her out, what do you expect from her?

These are just some of the questions I would ask Kenyan men (party animals to be precise) if I had a chance to.

Anyway, yesterday I had a chat with my colleague Chege on the type of women he likes, and I was quite mesmerised by his response.

‘The Lion of Kinoo’ (his hood) told me that he loves classy and smart women and yeye ‘hapana tambua dem anavaa weave.

‘Ha! Ladies, there you have it. If you have been eyeing this man now, you know where you fall.

He came up with a list of five types of women a man should never go out with and below is what he had in mind, go through

  1. Shagz mondoz

These are the kind of women who only dance to traditional music; Mugithi, Ohangla, etc. Take her to uptown clubs and she will sit down the rest of the night waiting for 4am for the DJ to play kanungo.

She will spring out of her seat, take over the dance floor and shake her derriere as if Musa Juma has resurrected.

Mugithi, Luo or Luhya night is the best place to take her, uptown clubs achia wajaja wa mjini.

2. Women who wear wigs and weaves

Most of them are always ratchet. After taking shots of sambuca or whichever cheap drink they are used to, she will bring out the wildness in her.

If you are at some downtown joint poor you, she will disappear to the dance floor and the next time you check on her, you will find her head down on the floor and her ass up grinding on some Embassava tout.

You can then imagine how smelly her weave and wigs will be after ‘a mixture’ of sweat and shisha smoke.

3. Those who dress like church girls

Dear men, why waste your time and money taking such a woman out? Let her stay indoors or for to a church kesha and you meet the following morning.

If she can’t dress for the occasion, do not waste your time. You are going to floss her to your pals, not for Bible study!

4. Time Wasters

If you take her out, and all she talks about is her pals who have sponsors who take them for trips across the globe and always on her phone, please let her catch the next Uber and go back home or join her friends.

A good woman should keep you company, make your conversations lively whether you two are meeting for the first time or not.

If she wants a sponsor like her pals, let her visit Simmers or F1 atajishindia mmoja huko.

5. #TeamDelmonte

‘I cannot take a woman to the bar to buy her Delmonte or soda. We itisha na sitalipa!’, says Chege and I agree to that.

Ladies, if you know in the first place you were going to drink Delmonte not even Virgin Mojito or Blow Job or Wet Pussy, you could as well have stayed at home.

Dear men, if she ever does this to you, next time leave her home. Wacha awatch Afrocinema.