I have never and will never buy into stereotypes. Why? Because I am living proof that Igbo  boys are sexy. But that aside, I had a rather interesting conversation with the people I call team mates and what I heard of the stereotypes Kenyans have can only be described as interesting. And so I have decided to share the funniest with you and see what you think of them.

Kikuyu

#1. Cannot cook

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#2. Useless at sex

dead-cockroachKikuyu women are notorious for a form of Kamasutra called “Mende kufa” in which they lie in bed like dead cockroaches as you proceed to sweat on top of her plowing her field.

#3. Industrious

Kikuyu women are very enterprenurial! They are Igbo children in this regard. Why did I toss that there? Because everyone knows Igbos will do everything and anything for money.

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Luhya

#1. Gluttonous

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Need I say more?

#2. Friendly

Everyone I have spoken to says Luhyas are very amicable and outgoing.

#3. Strong

Luhyas are as strong as oxen.

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Luos

#1. Educated

When I was in university, most of my lecturers were Luo. Coincidence? i think not. Most lawyers are Luo and whenever I talk to Luos I expect them to use big words.

#2. Ujaluo itawaua! (Spendthrifts)

 

Luos love spending money. Or so I was told.

#3. Ugly

The ladies on the team told me that the word Luo is the very antonym of the adjective handsome. Luo men seldom are good looking. That begs the question of why women (especially Kikuyus) chase after them.

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Kisii

#1. Witches and warlocks

I have been told that Kisiis are practitioners of matter black magic and voodoo. So potent is their magic that they are known countrywide to host the best of the best when it comes to diviners and witches.

#2. Beautiful women

This much even I agree with. Kisii women are beautiful.

#3. Anger management issues

Kisii men are apparently known for their erratic and irrational tempers. So prone are they to blowing their fuses that they are apparently best avoided. I hear they cry like babies when they get angry. Is it true?

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Kambas

#1. Nymphomaniacs

Is this true? I have no idea. I have never dated a Kamba. I have slept with one but being a Luhya man, fatigue from sex is never an issue.

#2. Beautiful women

They are very beautiful. That much I can attest to. I have a colleague called “Rav4” and the number of men who make fools of themselves falling over each other to do her favours is astounding! Sitting next to her is a test of my mental mettle because after these fools are done with their pathetic attempts at wooing her (audibly), I have to look them in their eyes and respect them even after having heard their “lines”!

#3. Unambitious

From what I hear Kamba men are rather unambitious. They prefer not to rock the boat and disturb the status quo.

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Kalenjin

#1. Ugly

Please name for me three attractive long distance runners, I will wait.

#2. Friendly

This much i am told is a true stereotype about Kalenjins. Majority of my teammates agree that Kalenjins are very warm people.

#3. Generous

generous enough to spend all the money from their harvests on a 45 year old prostitute in Nakuru at some seedy dimly lit brothel.

Mijikenda

#1. Sexy

Mijikenda women are the very embodiment of sex. There very gait is enough to send a man on a spending spree. Even the women on the team agree.

#2. Lazy

From what I am told they are lazy. I could try to use euphemisms such as “They are slow” but let’s call a spade a spade and not a big spoon. Mijikenda are known never to want to aggressively pursue any activity other than dancing and having a jolly time.

#3. Gossips

Mijikenda apparently spend their entire day lazing about and gossiping. According to the stereotypes if they are to be believed, Mijikenda indulge in idle banter about each other and their neighbours a little too much.

Maasai

#1. Simple

Naivette or whatever you call it, Maasai are a simple people. To me that is the very aspect of their culture that makes them beautiful in my eyes. Almost entirely untouched by the filth that is the culture of “civilization”.

#2. Beautiful

The Maasai have some of the most beautiful women in Africa. That is a fact no one can argue with. Or so the stereotype goes.

#3. Unambitious

The common stereotype about these guys is that they are incredibly content to be in whatever station they are in their lives. No real grand plans beyond owning a few more cows.

Merus

#1. Temper

My brother is a doctor who happened to be stationed in Meru and he told me that other than BodaBoda accidents, the highest number of incedents he had to deal with were panga cuts. i wonder why…

#2. Clingy lovers

Apparently the other stereotype about this specific group is that they are usually such clingy and needy lovers. They never did quite learn how to handle unrequited love or the end of a romance fairy tale.

#3. Unpredictable

With Meru you never know what will come next. It’s awesome when you are in-love and 16 years old but it gets pretty old pretty fast especially when you are 30 and married!

 

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