A few weeks ago, Kenyans woke up to the news that illegal structures along riparian land were to be demolished. There was a supposed list of 4,000 illegal structures which were to be demolished by our beloved SANY.

SANY soon became a cult hero because it now represented an unbiased government agency. Finally, impunity was being tackled in an unbiased fashion.

Funny jokes were being cracked “Babe, nitakubomoa kama SANY”. Salons in Kenyatta Market rebranded to “SANY Hairdressers and Botique” with the slogan “Tunabomoa nywele haraka sana!” Kenyans finally had a distraction that gave them hope. Hope that government was finally cracking the whip and not tolerating corrupt practices which were a detriment to the environment.

Nairobi was finally going to reclaim its lost glory as ‘The city in the sun’.

In fact, every Nairobian was keenly observing buildings built next to riverbeds wondering what our beloved SANY was going to demolish next. Weeks later, there is silence. What happened?

SANY at Oshwal
SANY at Oshwal

Sometimes being a Kenyan is like being in a relationship with an abusive person. You stay hoping to yourself “Maybe they are serious this time”. Your Kenyan spouse has made numerous promises over the years which you believed.

“I will build you stadiums”
“Our kids will have laptops at school”
“I will fight corruption and leave no stones unturned”

In blind optimism, you renew vows with this abusive spouse every year mainly because you are loyal to your clan. Before you renew the vows, they make the same promises they made to you during the honeymoon phase  “Trust me, everything will be fine. We will prosper. I really love and care about you”.

Soon they are borrowing money and saying “We have to maintain our expensive lifestyle. Besides, I promised that I’d build you a railway line”

Your spouse thrives on your short attention span and terrible memory. You are really easy to distract and manipulate mostly because you are there justifying it with “I’m really in love”.

As we speak, SANY is on the way to becoming a long lost memory. A representation of the hope you once had. Your spouses’ friends have sent silent threats in the background. Threats that have sent their friends who were to implement the demolitions on the defensive “I’m not the one who approved the demolitions”.

Soon SANY will be arraigned in court and asked to compensate the supposed victims who encroached riparian lands. “There was some loophole they exploited in the past regime” the justification claims.

Now your spouse is approaching you “Sweetie, you know that 30% of your salary I’m entitled to? I need to use it to pay for the victims of the SANY demolitions.”

You are now helpless in the corner and can do nothing but say “Bora uhai”