Eastlands Women

Nairobi is a beautiful city full of wonderful people. The many estates make it stand out from the rest of the cities.

They dictate who you are, how you dress, your sheng affiliations…etc. Now, when some people misbehave wherever they go, they give the city a bad name. Thus, our beautiful city is branded “sin city”, “ratchet city” or “Sodom and Gomorrah” but that’s not what it is.

Everyone from the different city estates always feels proud to be associated with their particular hoods, but Eastlands women, especially those from Kayole, Umoja, Kariobangi, Embakasi, etc., let us down at times.

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Some of them behave so badly hence painting a bad picture of this specific hoods.

Anyway, after sitting down with my colleagues; here are some of the most annoying behaviours of Nairobi’s Eastlands women.

  1. They are so ratchet

Eastlands women are a true definition of ratchetness. This is evident when you spot them in any public place, whether it’s an event or not.

They are always loud and one can mistake them for Gikomba women selling fish.

Their ratchet dances (grinding on each other’s genitals) will always define them; some still practise the infamous dances even when a gospel song is played.

2. They like fighting

It seems most of the women from Eastlands have a PhD in boxing. They will always start a fight out of nowhere.

That’s the reason why most of them are not allowed in some of the city clubs.

Some of them start fights after getting high on a shot of cheap liquor. They fight like Mayweather and if one starts a fight with you, please run for your safety.

They always walk in gangs and they can easily send you back to your maker.

3. Tag along friends to dates

When you invite an Eastlands lady for a date at Galittos (that’s like a five-star hotel to them), be sure to have a lot of cash or else, utachonga viazi buda! She will tag along with her three or even five friends and woe unto you if you didn’t carry enough cash.

Dear men, if you ever invite her and she shows up with a group as if they are going for choir practise, change venues; take them to Uhuru Park or Jevanjee Gardens and buy them a two-litre bottle of soda and two loaves of bread.

Be a good Christian.

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4. Nursing the same drink the whole night

This is a peculiar behaviour of Eastlands women. They will go out in a group of six, buy two bottles of Smirnoff Ice or a litre of Delmonte and sip on it the whole night.

They will sit quietly waiting for a “sponsor” to show up awachafulie meza. Wait, what kind of man would like to hang out with women with smelly weaves, dressed like mourners for hire? Priss ladies, try and be classy.

5. Wannabe socialites

Most of them try so hard to make a name for themselves in the socialites’ arena. To do this, they flaunt their malnourished bodies.

They post embarrassing photos taken in the most ratchet of manners not forgetting a video of them twerking like a newborn calf learning to walk.

All this effort. Still, no one is interested. Don’t give up. Fake it till you make it!

Some of them grace every event just to be seen but who will even look at you twice with that cheap bright red lipstick and chipped nail polish?

We love you our sisters but please, tuwache aibu ndogo ndogo.