In Kenya, being arrested is an art that needs conscious effort on your part. Maybe you are looking for a place to sleep, maybe you want to finally experience a police Land Cruiser for the first time.
What are some of the hilarious ways to get arrested?
- Take a walk at 2AM. Being an idler late at night is the surest way to get arrested in Kenya. “Kijana unaenda wapi?”. Once asked this question, answer rudely “Kwani wewe ni mamangu?”. This should get you arrested instantly.
- Drive with an expired driving licence and commit a traffic offence. This should get you to court. Imagine living your own version of vioja mahakamani starting your sentence with "Afande..."
- Buy a stolen phone from a stranger in town. Strangers in town are always approaching you with “Niaje? Unataka iphone 13?” Say yes. Get that phone and use it immediately. If you are lucky enough, you will be arrested.
- Get dreads, wear rasta colours, have Bata safari boots on and look suspicious. It will help if you have a roll of bhang on you. The laws against bhang use are strict and in no time you will have a new home in the form of a cell. Unless, of course, you belong to the business community (Wolaan Shatta!)
- Become an activist or political blogger and create controversy. If you really don’t care about being roughed up, this is the easiest way to get arrested. The plus side is that you will have many readers of your blog. Si you are now famous/ hopefully your readers will bail you out
- Date a police officer then out of the blue, intimidate them with “Hata huwezi nifunga ndani… iko nini”. Thew will definitely comply with your request. Think of the arrest as foreplay
- Steal the neighbourhood chicken. Neighbourhood chickens are a precious commodity. Do you know how hard it is to rear a kienyeji chicken? Just be sure to steal it at a place that has no mob justice.
All of these tactics to get arrested will work much better if you are poor. If you are wealthy, the cops may hesitate and attempt to treat you in a respectable way. It’s a fact world over that rich people have great networks. Don’t be rich!