Teargas is slowly becoming part of life leading to the elections. Until now, knowledge on how to survive a teargas attack hasn’t existed. Thanks to my research in Havard college (Havard College in Thika Road) I will show you how to survive a teargas attack.

  1. Carry water. Okay, Nairobi is experiencing water rationing… Ever heard of the quote “Ata Maji chafu huzima moto”? Yes… use it. Get water from Nairobi river. Just be careful about cholera. Problem for another day.
  2. Avocado. Okay, if you have money, get avocado. Avocado is a cure for everything. Its true, those wagangas from Tanzania use avocado for everything including ugonjwa ya kukosa pesa. Teargas can't stand a good avocado.
  3. Practice. I'm sure you are asking, “How do I practice?”. Buy a jiko and pepeta it for at least an hour and get the smoke in your eyes. Prepare for that smoke as you cut fresh red vitunguu to stimulate the crying effect of teargas. Remember, practice makes perfect. Twanga pepeta.
  4. Practice more. Take a Kayole Matatu and seat next to the conductor. Chances are this guy hasn’t showered and has a scent called “Eww…. The toilet”. Attempt to hug this conductor for maximum effect, that’s enough practice.
  5. Don’t shower. Ever wondered why chokoraas and University students never run away from teargas? Its because they do not shower. Don’t shower for a week. You wont be scared of teargas. Aki ni ukweli. Ive studied it in Havard... Thika Road
  6. Eat plain raw kachumbari from Kenyatta market. There is this kachumbari from Kenyatta Market called teargas. Its called that because its pilipili makes you squint your eyes more than sipping a dry KC. “Wololo…. Aki hii teargas inachoma”. We are yet to experiment the mixing of teargas with KC. But science from Havard suggests it will work
  7. Support Arsenal. Studies suggest supporting Arsenal increases your pain threshold. If you support Arsenal, you wont feel the effects of teargas and will say “Ati hii ni uchungu? Mimi nimezoea Wenger kuniumiza Miaka kumi na tunaendelea”

So, how else can you prepare for teargas?