Nairobi Sun Njaanuary
Nairobi Sun Njaanuary

“Mans not hot….. I say babes…. Mans not hot”

Music blasts from the matatu as it weaves through traffic on a hot morning. Njaanuary mornings have been characterized by the occasional between the butt sweat stream. In fact, I now have a deo at the office just in case there is an emergency meeting.

“Huyo ni nani hakuoga leo?” I say to my colleagues jokingly. Trips to the dispenser are on the rise and as a result, there are more loo visits, yes….. there are more yellow pee residues in the male toilets. (Yes ladies, mens loos are disgusting during these trying times).

Dry skin and chapped lips are more visible. You finally get to know who needs the lip balm.

With that said, how do you confront someone who uses neither lip balm nor deo?

There is this guy?

Anyway, there is a plan. Everybody is scared of saying “Nanii…. Hio jasho yako haileti shangwe…. Shika deo”

Imagine, your bosses would rather tell you “You are underperforming…. We need results” instead of “Hey, your scent is making us uncomfortable”. You can literally take a pupu on yourself at an office setting but your colleagues will be scared to confront you. If you really want to piss off your boss today, don’t underperform on the job… just take a pupu on yourself. There is probably no workplace policy against it.

Maybe they are scared of confronting you because you may jump on with discrimination accusations “Just because I have diarrhea does not mean that I can’t work. I’m suing the company for million bob”. Your boss is having nightmares over your diarrhea to millionaire story

But then again I digress….. we were talking about the Njaanuary sunshine

You are in conflict wondering “Should I carry an umbrella for this sun?”. If you have been in Nairobi for long enough, you know that an umbrella is a luxury or a fashion statement. Having an umbrella to shield you from the sun will earn you some ridicule.

“Huyu jamaa kwani hajui umbrella ni ya mvua?”

You may make it to the newspapers and many an Instagram page. “Ebu ona huyu fala na umbrella yake kwa jua?”

This is the worst time to visit your local kibanda because you never know if the extra salty food you were served was actually flavored with sweat.