Nairobi women

Ever dated a woman who demands much more than she can afford? Well, below are the 16 most common behaviour of Nairobi women or in short wannabes.

1. I don’t party at local pubs

Nairobi women will pretend how they can’t step in a local bar and further demand that you take her to uptown joints. She will ask for expensive drinks which she can’t even pronounce the name yet when she is back in Githurai you will find her furiously chocking down a Kenya Cane bila ice straight from the bottle and Konyagi and any other cheap drinks. Bila apologies.

2. Smoke shisha

If you can’t or haven’t smoked shisha then you are in the wrong world. Nairobi women think that smoking shisha makes them cool kids or rather classic babes yet in the real sense, it portrays a bag image of you. Nowadays women of your generation smoke more than their fathers And they should remember that these men who take them out and buy them shisha to smoke as they watch will never marry them!

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3. Jobless yet damn so rich
While you are busy struggling to make ends meet in this city under the sun, some of these Nairobi women are ‘swimming in riches’ thanks to their generous sponsors. Most of them are jobless. They are always sleeping during the day and at night go party but if you thought they will ever be chased away or locked out of their rented houses, you are wrong. Some of them even pay rent for 6 months in advance.

4. Visit Nigeria
If you haven’t visited Nigeria then you cannot be called a Nairobi woman. We have seen many including the D-list socialites who are struggling to stay relevant in the showbiz industry travel to Nigeria for ‘business trips’ and ‘holidays’. They will give us sleepless nights with hundreds of photos from the moment they board a flight at JKIA, when they land in 9ja and whatever they will do there, they will snap and share it online. What do you think will happen if these women get a chance to visit Europe, Miami or even Dubai? Si watashoot documentary!

5. Own Backyard shoes
This is common among Nairobi women. If you don’t own a pair of shoes from Backyard store then uko chini. You will never miss coming across more than 10 Nairobi women wearing the same colour of shoes if you are keen enough on the streets. You might think they are Koffi Olomide dancers preparing the ‘way’ for him ahead of a concert at KICC.

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6. Fashionistas
All of a sudden, everyone is a fashion ‘blogger’. Their Instagram accounts are filled with photos of trendy outfits with captions such as #FashionIsMyDrug. They are the queens of makeup and every time they step out you will confuse them for a ghost. They apply heavy layers of makeup (of which the foundation is unfortunately not their shade). This only highlights the screaming discrepancy between the face and the whole body. Some even end up embarrassed incase they are rained on. They look like karashika.

7. They are anti-matatus
This battalion do not use matatus or any other public transport come rain come sunshine. They always want to be seen as cool kids and using a matatu for them reduces their points. She stays in Kayole but when you invite her for a coffee date in the CBD, she will come in a taxi then ask you to pay for it.

8. They own the latest models of phones

While some of us are using kabambes and always hide it whenever you’re in a matatu so that city thugs don’t snatch it, these Nairobi women own phones worth someone’s 9 months bedsitter rent in Kinoo. They are always on top of trendy stuff including technology. Latest iPhones and Samsung S series are always top on their bucket lists.

9. Sharing photos and videos on Instagram every minute

How will you know that your village-mate is a ‘big girl’ and living the life while you’re struggling in the village? They always post photos and videos on their social media just to show off how they are ‘balling’. Some will even stop a cab driver while passing near posh hotels and malls just to take a photo and post it on Instagram.

10. Stay in bedsitters somewhere in Eastlands

This battalion will make you feel bad when they visit you at your one bedroomed apartment in Ruaka. They will make mean comments leaving you hating yourself but in the real sense, they stay in Kware Rongai, Kayole, Githurai, Huruma, Dandora etc. You will be shocked one day when you will visit her. You will be served on a plastic plate, sit down on the mattress laid on the floor because she can’t afford a bed and seats. Ooh! and you might get blinded by the repulsive and choking smoke from the turned-off kerosene stove.

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11. Fake nails
They throng Nairobi’s downtown kiosks every weekend where they get their nails fixed for cheaper prices. Some walk around with fingers lifted up in the air and you might think that they are praying but they do so in the name of taking care of their nails. Some cannot even do simple household chores. If you spot a lady with nails painted with screaming neon colours just know that she is a Nairobi woman and not fit for marriage. How will she wash utensils with such nails?

12. When broke they go underground

Nairobi women love to be heard and seen. They will always update things which are not even relevant on social media but wait until the sponsor ‘pulls out’, they will go underground for months only to resurface as sister Anne, prophetess Jacky. They start sharing bible verses and inspirational quotes unlike when they had money.

13. ‘Babe, request for me an uber!’
Dear men, if she ever tells you this, run because she won’t pay. You will be the one to settle the bill. Gutuka!

14. Love weaves and wigs

It seems apart from lipstick, expensive phones and backyard shoes, weaves are also part of the music have a starter pack for Nairobi women. Most of them wear cheap sisal weaves which stay on their heads for more than three months. They rarely can afford expensive human hair. Only a few can. These type of women are the ones whose heads smell like a cowshed if they are rained on.

15. Slay queens

They leave children back in shags suffering with their parents yet they slay on Instagram and turn up in city clubs displaying expensive drinks. Na hawatumi pesa ya maziwa.

16. They are ratchet

This could be number one! These type of women are so ratchet and will always ensure that their presence is noticed whenever they are out. From shouting like market women whenever a drink is brought on the table to pulling weird dance moves as if they have been struck by thunder (cheza ni kama umepigwa radi), their ratchetness is on another level.

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