You know when you know. That’s a common answer from couples when asked how they knew he or she was ‘the one’. These couples, who appear to be so in love, then proceed to tell you their fairytale love story as they hold hands and look into each other’s eyes from time to time, and disagree about what their first date was like and the sequence of the proposal.

But just like there’s an unromantic man for every romantic one, not every couple has a fairytale story about how they met. For some, a relationship grew out of constant interaction, and for others, it  took a third party to make the couple realise they might be good for each other.

There is even a theory that there is no such thing as ‘the one’. That there are a number of people who fit into one’s idea of an ideal spouse, and it is just up to that person to decide which one them he or she wants to ‘do life’ with. The thinking here is that if there was only ‘one’, then what would happen when someone made a mistake and married your one? Everybody else would end up with the person not meant for them, and the world would be a messed-up place. But I digress.

It’s Valentine’s Day on Wednesday, and this week, we feature two couples’s stories of finding each other and the trials they encountered on the way. We also talk to a relationship counsellor and divorcee on what marriage means to them.

MAQC ERIC AND WAITHERA 

First of all, yes, the couple refers to themselves as the MaqCs, and yes, that is Eric’s name. He wasn’t given the name at birth, but he signed an affidavit changing his name to MaqC, his high school nickname.

MaqC says he had an “electrifying” moment when he first met Waithera in church in 2007, but the two did not start dating until later.

“She was wearing a jeans skirt and her top was tucked in and she had a curly kit hairstyle. She was walking out of the cafeteria and I was getting in and I bumped into her, and the water bottle she was carrying fell. I felt an electric-like feeling through my metal frame spectacles, and my knees went weak.”

But that was it… for them.

The two moved around the same circles and found themselves bumping into each other often. MaqC and Waithera then started spending a lot of time together, though no one had asked or said whether they were an item. In 2008, MaqC asked Waithera if she could be his “friend for life”.

“Imagine,” Waithera intercepts as MaqC narrates the story. Though Waithera says she was so busy living her life, she was not really concerned that MaqC did not come out straight and ask her to be his girlfriend. Two months down the line, MaqC did ask Waithera to be his girlfriend. But shortly after, they broke up. It seemed a relationship was perhaps not what they really wanted at the time.

The two got back together and in 2009, Waithera started to wonder where the relationship was going. MaqC says he felt some sort of pressure to propose, though he was not ready, until Christmas Day in 2009.

“The proposal was nothing grand. It was at his house,” Waithera says.

MaqC says the proposal was not planned, he just had a ‘moment’ and it felt right to do it then. He had planned to do the proposal during an event, but things did not work out, so instead of waiting to plan and do it at another event, he just seized the moment.

“After that, we did not tell people immediately because Waithera said we should not take the glory away from Jesus, being Christmas Day.”

MaqC and Waithera got married in October 2010. But by February 2012, the two had separated. They say the first year of marriage can be the hardest, and it was. Adjusting to living together and just tolerating each other’s behaviours proved to be difficult.

“We got married a little later in life, so we were both set in our ways and the adjustment was tough,” the couple says.

After the separation, Waithera says she moved on with her life and immersed herself in self-development, from volunteer work to further studies. She says to her, the marriage was over and she had moved on.

MaqC also immersed himself in farming. “I was on overdrive. I think not being idle was very beneficial to both of us, because it prevented us from making bad choices that might have prevented us from finally being able to get back together,” he says.

In October 2014, MaqC and Waithera’s paths crossed, and it was the beginning of repairing their broken marriage.

“A friend of mine had told me to attend the Twakutukuza concert [an annual concert organised by the Twakutukuza Trust, which helps people diagnosed with cancer], and who did I see in the choir singing her heart out and enjoying herself? She was looking good,” MaqC says. It was Waithera, and MaqC felt he needed to reach out to her, but not on that day.

At the end of the month, he called her and when she picked up, Waithera said, “Who is this?” She says she had deleted his number and the memory of him for her life and had moved on with her life. MaqC did not lose heart. He asked her for a coffee date and he says when she said she would think about it, he knew there was hope for reconciliation.

But Waithera says she went for the coffee date to tell MaqC she wanted a divorce. When Waithera dropped the ‘d’ word bombshell, MaqC remained calm. “He actually smiled and told me a divorce is not possible. He refused to give me a divorce,” Waithera says.

By the end of the meeting, MaqC had been able to secure a meeting to see his son for the first time since the two separated. Soon, the pair were back to spending weekends, then weekdays together.

The two got back together on December 30, 2016. They credit their spiritual leaders, Pastor Kiama Mugambi and Pastor Angie Murenga, for helping them reunite. The couple had their second born last year. They refer to her as ‘Minji’.

NOT ALWAYS SMOOTH

The MaqCs say marriage is not always a smooth journey, and have nuggets of advice for couples who want to get married.

One, seek to be the right partner before asking your partner to be the right one. MaqC says it is easy to find and point out fault in your partner instead of seeing your own weaknesses, but it is important to consciously seek to be a good partner first.

Two, fight for each other, don’t fight each other.

Three, know thyself first before you jump into a relationship

Four, life is about seasons, Waithera says, adding you need to learn to navigate them well and know not every day will be sunny, but remember, the rain will not stay forever, either

Five, trust is extremely important in a relationship, and couples should seek to give each other the benefit of doubt. Waithera says, “When you board a bus, you don’t go to the driver and check whether he has legs, you just trust he does and he will get you to your destination safely. It is the same with relationships. You just have to trust.”

Six, to the young women, Waithera urges them to “make your man”. She says, “Don’t look at another woman’s wife and go after that. That is a finished product because of the woman who invested in him. Make your own man.”

ELSIE AND HAROLD

Elsie, 37, had been single for 10 years before she met Harrison, 39. Having found herself in a relationship where lines were blurred and she was led into thinking the man wanted marriage but that was not the case, she was careful to guard her heart. The couple will be getting married this year.

Here is her story:

“We had been working together for almost a year, yet I had never met the guy. In December 2016, Harold was assigned a role that needed his input and sign-off from a finance perspective for a project I was to undertake in 2017. I was not interested in getting into a relationship at the time because I was too caught up in work and ministry engagements. He then used to crack some not-so-funny jokes in my view, and I kept thinking ‘this guy is on something’. He however begs to differ on not being funny.”

The two found themselves having breakfast together as they both arrived at work early. Their interaction grew and they realised they shared interests. Elsie says Harold was a breath of fresh air because he had no hidden agenda.

Elsie says she never allowed her emotions to distract her because “I had previously been tricked into believing that something was happening, and yet nothing was defined and the guy did not want to take responsibility for luring me into believing he desired to get married. I said to a friend once: If he has not stated anything to me, I will not assume and build a castle for myself.”

Harold formally asked Elsie to be his girlfriend. “Before I agreed, I reminded him about the fact that we cannot leave it open-ended. That is when he sealed the deal by saying he was in all the way and wanted to get married, have two children and a dog and settle down in Siaya… I was impressed; the brief was clear and there was no hazy stuff to figure out on my own, as previous relationships have proven to have.”

Elsie says finding love in the late 30s has not been easy. “We are set in our ways. We’ve had very humbling experiences that have helped us appreciate that our differences in God’s eyes are good.”

Harold proposed on November 25 last year.

Elsie says there have been ups and downs in the relationship. “I thought I was patient, kind, not proud, not easily angered. I thought in my mind, how difficult can marriage be? The shocking truth is that it has been a time where I have had to extend myself more grace than I ever thought I would need, and learn to extend the same to Harold. The personality clashes can be brutal, but while not dwelling on the negative, it has been a fulfilling and blessed journey. Women have said to me, ‘If God did it for you, He will do it for me’.”

Also, read:

Elsie’s advice for single women? “I’ll be honest, waiting is not easy. It can be daunting and discouraging, especially as you watch your friends transition in life and you seem the odd one out. You almost stick out like a sore thumb because you don’t share a common season any longer. One thing I know I did is that whenever I had a tough day, I would cry out to God. I also had a support structure.”

EXPERT ADVICE

Dr Ayda Wanjiku, who mentors women on relationships, has the following advice:

To the women who are almost 30, or have clocked 30 and are single and worried about their clock ticking, Ayda says:

1. Life doesn't start when you get married

2. You are complete in your singlehood. Marriage doesn't complete anyone, it only complements who you already are

3. Happiness comes from within. A happy single person makes a happy married person and the opposite is true.

4. You can be alone but you aren't lonely. Surround yourself with healthy relationships with peers and family.

5. Take advantage of your singlehood to do adventurous things. Take financial risks, travel, sign up to do a new course, make strong friendships, spend time with your family.

6. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Ayda quotes the Bible, Ecclesiastes 9:11: “The race is not to the swift, the battle not to the strong, neither is bread to the wise nor riches to those of intelligence and understanding, nor favour to men of ability, but time and chance happen to them all.”

For young couples

1. Be clear on why you are getting married

2. Marriage is about giving, giving of yourself, your time, your body, your resources. Entering a marriage only expecting to receive will get you frustrated.

3. Learn to ride the waves in your marriage. Life has ups and downs

4. Both of you must give into the marriage 100 per cent, there is no 50-50

5. Have the right foundation

Source: Star/Claire Muinde