'My friends abandoned me after they found out i had cancer,' sobs emotional woman

Piece by: Caren Nyota
Lifestyle

Last year a 'nodule' was spotted on an X-ray of my lungs. It was described as benign but my astute GP was not convinced so sent me to the Royal Marsden for further tests. At the age of 79, I was diagnosed with breast cancer which, mercifully, was caught in time so I didn't need a mastectomy.

The Royal Marsden is a truly wonderful hospital where patients are treated as individuals. Following the operation and various forms of treatment, patients are told that they will experience side effects, but one side effect is never mentioned: your friends disappear.

I didn't notice at first but six months after my radiotherapy it dawned on me that quite a couple of very old friends had stopped emailing. I have an aversion to the phone so all my communications with friends are by email or text.

Sensing I had stumbled on a phenomenon, I was curious to find out whether other women had noticed an absence of familiar names on the list of incoming emails.

I googled, 'Friends disappear when one has cancer?'

I was stunned by the result. There on my computer screen was an avalanche of distressing messages, and cries for help. Personal stories abounded, cancer sufferers relating their surprise and hurt at being abandoned by their friends.

Experts were dishing out advice, psychologists dispensing explanations and counsellors soothing words. Also present were friends confessing their guilt and talking about their shame at their inexcusable behaviour.

Online,  nails it. 'As I get to know more and more people in the cancer community, one of the most common stories I hear is about the experience of abandonment. It's our dirty little secret, the one we keep from you.'

Another woman : 'Of all the things that happened to me during my cancer experience, the most surprising involved one of my good friends. She disappeared.

'Not to the Caribbean for a week, or to start a new job… or to move two towns away, closer to her sister. She disappeared out of my life - for good'.

A Facebook user asked: 'Did you find a way to forgive the friends and family who disappeared during your cancer journey? The more it happened to me and my fellow cancer fighters, the more I realised how common this issue is'.

Many cancer sufferers will find comfort in the words of counsellors and psychologists who explain why friends keep themselves at a distance when you most need them.

Jackson Rainer, a professor of psychology at Georgia Southern University, who specialises in grief and relationships opines: 'In the presence of another's crisis, there's always the sense of helplessness…

'Feelings of vulnerability can lead to a kind of survivor's guilt: People are grateful that the trauma didn't happen to them, but they feel deeply ashamed of their reactions'.

Cancer patients may discover an uncomfortable side of themselves they barely knew was there.

A few days ago, I sent a get-well card to a 'friend' who had a bad fall last week, injuring her face and cracking a rib. Since learning of my cancer diagnosis a year ago she has been silent. I was tempted to write on the card, 'Lucky old you. Only a cracked rib'!

So what is the cancer sufferer or survivor seeking an explanation for this silence expected to do? Counsellors would have us show understanding and make allowance for our disappearing friends at a time when our own need for support, friendship and caring is increasing.

Psychologists will be right about the reasons for friends disappearing when they are most-needed, but I'm old school.

Source: Daily Mail