A great body? Being able to tie a cherry stalk into a knot with your tongue? Knowing every position in the Kama Sutra?
What ARE the qualities that separate an average lover from a brilliant one?
I’d say if you can tick all these boxes, you can award yourself a big gold star!
1. You listen and learn
There’s no such thing as someone who is good at sex, it completely depends on who your partner is.
When we say someone’s brilliant in bed, what we’re really saying is they like the same style of sex we do and practice techniques the way we like them.
Match someone who likes intimate, romantic sex with someone who’s into S&M and it’s highly unlikely either will rush back to their friends and rave about what a great lover their new partner is.
If you want to be the best lover your partner’s ever had, you need to do the things they like.
It really is as simple as that.
2. You’ve mastered the basics but customise to suit
Most people know which bits fit where but you need specific, nitty-gritty information to be a good lover.
A lot of sex information is too general: it talks about how women need clitoral stimulation and men love receiving oral sex.
Great advice but if you haven’t got the foggiest of how to do either, utterly useless.
Sex is a bit like typing.
You can get by using two fingers but you’ll never be as good as someone who learnt to touch-type and practised every night.
Going back to grass-roots level on all the basics (how to stimulate with your fingers, tongue, using a sex toy etc) and checking you’re on the right track technique wise is a good idea for all of us, no matter how hot you secretly think you are.
Sex skills can be learned and we can all improve on them.
Having said that, the trick is to master a few, basic techniques (my book Hot Sex: How to do It has lots of step-by-step practical tips on this) then customise them to suit the person you’re with (no book can tell you how to do this – only they can).
Sex isn’t one-technique-suits-all: what worked for one lover, won’t necessarily work for another.
3. Practice does make perfect
The best predictor of orgasm in young women is the number of sexual experiences they’ve had.
In other words, the more sex you’ve had, the ‘better’ you are at it.
One study of more than 6,000 young women (2012) found rates of orgasm and enjoyment increased dramatically from that first, fumbled, awkward sex encounter to later sex sessions when the women understood their bodies more and what feels good.
Read more on the next page.