breakup

These are tough times, my people. Tough times indeed. In this era of social media, human interaction is at a danger of slowly diminishing and eventually disappearing all together.

People would rather Whatsapp you than meet you for a chat. This has affected relationships and shaped how breakups are carried out.

You know how there are general break up rules like don’t break up with someone on their birthday, or  within 72 hours of having sex or on Fridays? Well those rules don’t apply with our Nairobi men. Watavunja tuu roho yako, mercilessly.

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Here are the despicable and vicious ways that Kenyan men will stomp on your head on their way to a date with another woman. Hawana huruma.

Ghosting

Kilimani Mums are always asking,

“Dear Moms,

It has been a week since bae called or texted me and we have not had any disagreement. What should a do moms?”

Well, dear distressed damsel, your man is ghosting. He has disappeared. This is the initial phase of breaking up with you. You are in that relationship alone. The coffee is brewing. Smell it. This is the most low-class, disrespectful move a man can pull, because essentially he is telling you, you are not worth the hassle of the breakup.

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Mr Block You Like Crazy

Sasa, this guy will block your on all “technologies” from Whatsapp to Snapchat.

He is done with you so he doesn’t want you turning into a monitoring madame who will be posting bitter sub-tweets directed at him, when he is trying to slide into some luscious babe’s DM.

Ukipata block jua umewachwa. Move on. Accept it like a bitter paracetamol. Sip some water to wash down the bitter truth. Don’t now buy bundles to create pseudo accounts to cyber stalk him and catfish him. Don’t be a psycho, he has done you the favour. Move on.

He will pull a Tiger Woods

When a man wants to break up with you, he will not care that he is dipping his magic stick in every honey pot. He will flat out cheat on you. Iko nini. If you cannot get the hint basi uko na shida kubwa na sio ya suruali. By him cheating, he is telling you, “Me is greater than you.” Move on my dear girl.

Also read:

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Watchman Screening Mode

This man will tell the watchman to deny you access to the estate. Usually he pays the watchman some motivation fee to ensure you don’t use your feminine wiles on and slither past him.

When the watchman screens you, don’t cause a scene. just turn back and go home. Your ka-pink lingerie you left at his house is collateral damage in the breakup war, don’t call and ask to have it back.

The Coward

This kind of man will break up with you via text at 2:45am on a random weekday. He now knows he will not have to have a back and forth fight with you. Coward. Despicable. As a matter of fact, he has done you a favour. Delete the message and move on. These are the ones who post a profile photo of him with another chic before the breakup-make-up-breakup-all-over-again dance is over.

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The Good Guy

These are the worst kind of men. Many women in Kenya are dating the good guy. This guy won’t flat out breakup with you because he is so fearful of being labeled a bad guy by you. So, what does he do? He would rather mislead you than accept this title. What he does is prepare himself mentally and emotionally in breaking up with you but still nyanduas you and texts you when he needs to chat with someone. But he never makes any definite promise about the future. One day, you will wake up to find ruracio photos on your Facebook timelime. Dude had move on kitambo. And if you are not careful, you will end up as his mistress. He will come whining to you saying how his marriage is crap. You being soooo in love, you will comfort him in the 69 position, before long, this is common practice.

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