A flood in an estate in South C, Nairobi, on March 31 / COURTESY
A flood in an estate in South C, Nairobi, on March 31 / COURTESY

Wololoo, Nairobi kunanyesha… its raining all night and we are forced to deal with floods on the roads. As a result some people may be at risk of drowning.

How can the typical Nairobian slay king/queen avoid drowning in these floods?

  1. Don’t live in South C. If your boyfriend/girlfriend lives there… break up with them. South C has no drainage system and you will drown. True story!
  2. Nunua floater. Okay, maybe you are already engaged to someone who lives in South C. Buy zile floater za baby pool and keep them in your pocket just in case. People may laugh at you but at least you are safe. Stay safe people.
  3. Go for swimming lessons at the village river. Nairobi floods are not like swimming pool water. These waters are rough. Go practice at a place that will give you a real life scenario… just be sure to avoid the hippos. Be sure to buy that waterproof Samsung and take drowning selfies like a typical Nairobian.
  4. Nunua sandak sandals. Sandak sandles are plastic and plastic floats. Yes, Sandak with your suit looks good. Don’t worry about what everybody says. Your life is important.
  5. Become a politician and buy a helicopter. Helicopters are the slay queens of transport and they probably say “Mimi sitembeangi kwa maji”
  6. Date someone from Budalangi. They will save you from drowning in the floods through firsthand experience
  7. Relocate to Ukambani. By far, the best thing you should do… lakini usiteme mate, utaambiwa “Heh, siku hizi nanii anaringa sana!”
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