Everybody has received a text from a Kamiti scammer claiming that they have won a significant amount of money. In fact, judging from Kamiti texts I am now richer than Chris Kirubi. (If you see me at the local on Friday, itisha whatever you want…. I am rich… hii pesa ya Kamiti inanisumbua)

Here are ten ways to respond to Kamiti scammers

1. “Chukua hio pesa…. Hata sitaki”. Yes, ask them to keep it. Act bourgeoisie and say “I have mor money “
2. Reply with “Shimoli, bado uko ndani? Nakuja kukutembelea next week”. (If you don’t know who Shimoli is, you are too young to be reading this)
3. Pretend that you are desperate and continue with the conversation “Haki ya nani… Haleluya…. Nimeonekaniwa.. nimekuwa nikiomba…. Nikujie pesa wapi”. Flirt these crooks to annoyance and make them become impatient “Pesa yangu nipate wapi? Utanioa? Unaitwa nani? Unajua kizungu? Tutaenda Nigeria?”
4. Mirror them. If you get that “Hi, I am a Surgeon from Jamaica looking for love” say that you are a Jamaican dentist. Heck, even text with a Jamaican pidgin accent “Mi fi lookin fi gyal…… bribbi ski ki beng beng….. looorda mercy”
5. Become very rude. Respond with “Wanugu wee…… jinga”. This will be a great chance to learn prison abuses
6. Act like a fellow inmate. “Jemo….. ni Onyi hapa. Unanitext na tuko kamiti pamoja? Pesa gani na bob ya mkate hata huna?”
7. Call back with a chinese accent as you pretend to not understand English. “Me is china…. No understand engrish… haroooooooo?” Give them false hope that they have scammed you

Have fun responding to Kamiti texts