I enjoy the occasional party.

That would be how the story would have started and stuck if I were interested in lying. I am young so you know I party hearty.

But when I hit 27 years of age, trust that I will never be found anywhere near a club because I have no intention of being the pervy grandpa at the club hitting on pretty young things.

I’m done with the Micheal Jackson quotes. Anyway, in my many years of enjoying the night scene, I have come across some peculiar creatures of the night.

The type to go out partying with their significant other -and trust that after 1am, such couple end the night in disaster.

But before I go into why this is so, allow me to delve into the 5 types of couples to be found in the Kenyan nightlife scene:


#1. The cubs


These would be the two high school sweethearts who managed to sneak away from home for a night out only to end up spending the night out in the cold.

After 1 a.m:

The lad will be inebriated off of cheap liquor and will be causing fights because some other lad winked at his girlfriend as the lass cries in some corner because she is tired of stopping everyone from beating her boyfriend.


#2. The “We-Just-Begun-Sleeping-Together”


These are the idiots on the dancefloor who grind on each other like they are trying to produce enough friction to cause a fire. these guys dry-hump in the name of dancing. They are usually found in ratchet clubs that specialize in playing dancehall music.

After 1 a.m:

They will be in pain having suffered friction burns on their special areas &/or will have been caught by the club’s security team bumping uglies in the dingy establishment’s toilets.


#3. The Warlords


These are the couples that start fighting after having one too many. They always start fighting because one of them goes out of their way to make their significant other feels jealous. This breed is usually the “summer bunnies” variety.

Because you see, after being coupled up abroad with no other alternative but his lass, a lad who recently finds himself in Nairobi surrounded with tantalizing, teasing, titillating thighs. Not knowing how to act, the lad engages. Engorged, he doesn’t care to evade his beau who realizing this, decides to pay her lover-boy in kind.

After 1 a.m:

They are fighting as their friends try to break up the fight/ stave off white knights.


#4. Dr. Phil/ Oprah Winfrey

These are the couples that end up breaking down and crying. Either the lass feels neglected or the lad thinks the lass cheated. Either way, one or both end up crying like a big baby -but before we go “Aaaw!”, slap yourself and man up and allow me to continue.
These idiots end up sucking the life out of any club simply because their aura demands that you take notice and pity on their poor tormented souls.

After 1 a.m:

They are still crying trying to convince each other’s friends that they are the ones suffering the most in the relationship.


#5. Phantom Couple

They are only together when they check into the club. After that, they are about “being young” (read promiscuous). They refuse to hang out together but instead waste other patrons time because woe unto you if you think you’ve hit the jackpot, they will ditch you to go home with their significant other.

After 1 a.m:

The lad is fighting off lads who are demanding a refund for getting his girlfriend drunk (false pretence and all that). Actually, the lads are demanding either a refund or shares in the activities to be engaged in later.